I'm gonna quote Jay-Z here:
Fuck you, pay me.
Why should I be doing this for free if all my readers are gonna do is nay-say every single tradition I keep holy?
Secondly, why do you (the reader) not email your concerns? Are you really such a wimp that you don't want to confront these issues right here, right now?
ARIES (March 21 - April 19) As you already know this is the best astrological sign to have. God really gave you a whole wad of Get Out of Jail Free cards with this one. Consider it a lifetime supply. But I got to warn you- even though you have all these GOoJF cards, you still don't pass Go every time you're sent to jail. Ergot, no $200 my friend. My suggestion: get one of the good monopolies with Ventnor or North Carolina. Those kick ass. Put a bunch of houses on 'em and wait for the money train to roll in.
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) You are afraid of life, so you need to embrace the challenges everyone experiences. If you fall off your bike, you need to get back on. Unless your bike is a motorcycle in which case you shouldn't try to move because you might seriously damage your back. On the road of life there are passengers and drivers. Keep a loaded gun under the driver's seat in case you bump into D-Loc.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) Goya etched an etching called El Suen~o De La Razo'n Produce Monstruos. In other words, you really need to calm the hell down. You're producing these monsters left, right and center and really this whole sham is gonna spiral out of control if you don't keep yourself balanced. Right now I want you to go up to your wife and apologize for being a little bitch. Don't cry; she won't believe that you are sorry. Why? Because you still look like a little bitch.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22) I'm really sorry to tell you this, but you only have 6 months to live. In the meantime, we'll say its okay for you to smoke pot.
LEO (July 23 - August 22) I have an uncle named Leo. I'm not sure when his birthday is. I dated a girl with this astrological sign before, and if you are anything like her you need to calm down. And you probably have nice boobs. But for real, you need to calm down. A lot. Take a tape recorded and just leave it running all day so in the evening you can sit down and really listen to yourself. Yep, it's true. The whole world realizes how intense you are about everything and you didn't until right now. Isn't that embarrassing?
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) I once dated a Virgo, too. Needless to say, I took her Virgonity and she is no longer a Virgo. But enough about me, let's talk about you. Do you come here very often? Oh man, did you read Angelo Pudding's post about Ben Franklin? That was classic! What's your favorite kind of pasta? Would you rather take a spaceship to the moon or a submarine to the bottom of the ocean? You have the most stunning eyes I've ever seen...
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22) Libro means "book" in Spanish, but don't let this get to your head. Just because your astrological sign sounds smart doesn't mean you are. But hey - did you ever see that TV show Smart Guy? With the little kid that goes to college? Anyway man the stars aren't really telling me too much about your life and crap.
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) Mercury rising tells us that Jupiter is fascinated by the Sun. To put in plain and simple, don't stick to Cracker Jack. Those prizes suck and there is no risk. I mean you can keep eating it for the candied corn. Needless to say it's delicious. Just don't expect to win a million dollars overnight on that honkey. Buy lotto tickets, visit casinos, throw some dice in the alley - naw mean? You only win big when you risk to lose big.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) The world isn't black and/or white. There are like 500 colors we can see. And about 100 we can't. Like, there are probably, like, 200 different kinds of blue. Eskimos have 200 different words for snow and Peruvians have 20 words for cocaine. Anyway, life is a giant spectrum of rainbows and shadows and stuff so don't walk around like it ain't. You'll just look dumb. Mad people will look at you and be all, "Yo man. What's wrong with that fool?" And you'll just have to stand there doing the Chump Shrug.
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) According to my calculations, Jesus Christ Himself was a Capricorn. And according to the Bible He's a lot better than you could ever dream of Being. If you saw His face you would turn into a pillar of salt because you used to have dreams about sleeping with men. Gross. I mean, even if you are a female that's gross. Nasty. No matter what, you will never be God's Favorite Capricorn (GFC) and you need to know this. Maybe you can get second place. Maybe. I'd say not to worry about it. Then again, what do I know? I'm an Aries. I can always be GFA.
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18) "All that and a bag of chips" is a saying that should be used by no one. Dammit I just said it. But I made you say it too - in your mind.
PISCES (February 19 - March 20) If your pet dies, why waste precious time and money getting it buried or cremated? It's an animal, the government (so-called-powers-that-be) doesn't have regulations about disposing their bodies. That opens the world up to a whole realm of possibilities. If I were you I'd use this precious opportunity to practice ancient Egyptian mummification. If you get really good at it I'm sure you can make a great living. Think of all the rich bastards that would love to be mummified for thousands of years. Cryonics are so 1960s. After all, cryonics are only for selfish people who think the rest of the world actually wants their used-to-be-frozen-asses walking around on the planet. They already had their turn. Now it's time for the men of the future to live. As Ice Cube put it, check yo self before ya wreck ya self.
-Jesus Pescado
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