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Sexy Riot Cop - m4w - 24 (Downtown)

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Date: 2010-06-28, 3:15PM EDT

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You were clad in riot gear. I was standing in front of you. You didn't say a thing or move an inch. You grasped your baton ever so firmly. You looked too sexy in that gas mask. I smashed a bank window to get your attention. Did it work?

• Location: Downtown
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1815697229

BEST G20 EVER!

TORONTO - Ok, I admit it: I was absolutely wrong about this past weekend sucking [hairy] nuts. It was fantastic, only I wish I copped some more loot. My main regret is that I didn't (knowingly) kill any Black Bloc members. Next G20 I'm going out with a shotgun and a burlap sack to stuff all my scalps and ears in. They fetch a pretty penny.
         It wasn't such a horrible G20 as all the critics said, but it wasn't a great G20. Much like Robert Cohn's novel (that was a Hemmingway reference, dipshit.) We can G20 better. THIS OCTOBER IS SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA G20 2010 #2!!! YEAH!!
        One thing that sucked: I was walking through the University of Toronto campus last night and found a bunch of abandoned water bottles. As I was G20ing/Rodney Kinging them a bunch of police jumped out and were all, "Whuttinthehell're youdoin'?" I'm all like, "Liberating this water, ma'am." Then he got real mad at me so I started to run whilst yelling, "LIBERATE NORTH IRELAND!" Later I realized I forgot to liberate the water. This morning I woke up and remembered it actually happened. I don't know if that's funny or not. True story, ask Jimmy.
          Anyway, as N.W.A. said, "F*** Tha Police." I'm still not 100% sure about what that first word is (my mom never let me buy CDs with explicit lyrics, thank you very much Tipper Gore-You-Whore). As a side note: the word "whore" is not at all sexist. It is simply short for "[w]horrible person". Don't get me wrong, 1992 was a much better year for rioting. You got a lot more free stuff in those days. But that was 18 years ago. We gotta quit living in the past. After all, it's the 90s! Women can date whoever they want these days and show cleavage.
          Man, OK, so I'm very well hung over (BTW- that's what SHE said about ME). R.I.P. Andy Riggio. Anywhore I'm not sure if this article is any good. Straight up man, if you got a problem with it I WILL G20 YOU!

So here's the deal on G20:
a) These rich bastards don't do shit. I know. I paid $30 to hear Rich Dad talk and he didn't teach me a Goddamn thing.
b) I hate my dad.
c) I have a lot of GAP clothing but will smash their store without stealing anything (WTF homeless people?)
d) Stealing isn't wrong if enough people are doing it.
e) Fuck you, dad.
f) Where did all the protesters go?
g) Who the hell pays for Black Bloc members to live? Their dad? Why do they hate their dad so much?
h) What do we G20 next?
i) I wanna G20 this Trini girl.
j) Did you see her G20s?
k) She has the G20ingest ass you'll ever see.
l) Makes me wanna G20 the whole motherfucker.
m) The cops used a WEATHER MACHINE. Did anyone else notice that shit? Started raining like a bitch.
n) There are too many G20 letters in the G20 alphabet.
o) If you are ever gonna "try and get arrested", do something cool. Don't just antagonize police officers; go stab the bully from 2nd grade and take all the money in his wallet. That way you kill two birds with one stone (well, one bully with one knife.)

Umm that's it. I'll give you guys a tip for the ladies now. Wait- this is a tip for the gents.

HOW TO PLEASE YOUR LADY
When you 'git yer freak on' and you are ON THE BOTTOM, firmly grasp BOTH of your lady's ass cheeks with BOTH hands and lift it from the back side. Now you're moving she thang up against yo thang and she think yo thang is like 3 thangs bigger.

Tell your lady if she wants the real deal then she better ask for:

JESUS PESCADO

G20 in Toronto (NOT RAD)

"I'm against picketing, I just don't know how to show it."
-Mitch Hedberg

TORONTO - The end of this month is gonna suck nuts. I can't begin to say how pissed off I am at these Canadian politicians for inviting a bunch of diplomats here that for some reason are well known to make everyone without a job get pissed off about whatever pisses them off and start shouting, waving signs, and ultimately recieving free electronics. The last part isn't that bad, I could use a new TV. They got those 3D TVs out now. Those look pretty rad, and LORD knows I can't afford one.

But these days there is nothing cool to protest. Women and minorities can vote, own land, all that stuff. Gay people can too. People are able to decide whether or not to get an abortion. Only idiots like oil companies, and marijuana is slowly becoming socially acceptable (and increasingly legally tolerated.) Oh yeah, George W. Bush doesn't matter anymore. So what the hell is the problem?

I've been seeing a lot of these signs saying to protest unemployment. Now that's laughable. People who protest don't have jobs. They don't want jobs because they don't want to sell out to the man. So instead of working they go to protests. Now they don't know what to protest so they are protesting something they don't even want, just so they can protest.

Did you know there is a leader to the Anarchist movement? What happened there?

Anarchists are stupid. They don't realize they are stupid, which makes them stupider. They think they can accomplish stuff by not doing anything. Have you ever sat next to an anarchist? It's like sitting next to a 3-week-old dog corpse. How the hell is that an improvement on anything?

Isn't it ridiculous that a bunch of people organized under the idea that government can't work are expecting government officials to listen to their concerns and do something about them?

I'm gonna stop asking retorical questions. It makes me feel like I'm protesting.

Here's a list of things that suck about protesters, protesting, and the G20 summit:

• Chanting stuff
• Politicians don't care about protesters
• Protesters only wear Crocs and Birkenstock
• They live life like basketball shoes don't exist
• Sound canons
• Dogs
• Tear gas
• People in NOFX shirts
• White protestant kids wearing Palestinian scarves
• Ugly handmade signs
• Drumming on plastic containers
• Undercover police inciting riots
• No cell phone calls
• Rubber bullets
• Not being able to shoot hippies with rubber bullets
• They think they make a difference
• It's all going on in the downtown of the 5th biggest city on the continent, stopping a whole lot of economic activity for 5 days
• Take a shower and get a job. Losers bitch.

 I'm tired. Fuck it.

Your pal,
Jesus Pescado

FBP

For all y'all in the erria round New Ohleyanz, you're "sick and tired of being sick and tired" [Mystikal, 1995] and claim you "ain't that [fella] to [mess] with" [Mystikal, 1995]. These limey pirates at British Petrol (umm, it's pronounced GASOLINE) still think it's the War of 1812 and they can F with the proudly American Gulf of Mexico. We no longer need Michael-Moore-type-a-fellas to tell us oil companies suck and are comprised of evil, evil people that make the toughest gangs in NOLA look like Habitat For Humanity.

Now we have something special to look forward to. Not crawdads, skrimps or even grouper (DYK: Arabs love GoM grouper). Hate to break it to you, but for the next 6 years jambalaya will be called rice. What we can be excited about is the up and coming fight between President Barack Obama and BP's CEO Tony Hayward.

Unless Obama comes down with a bad case of AIDS or something, he's gonna beat the crap out of Hayward. Hayward is a little shrimp with no street smarts. After all, he messed with the people of New Orleans. The only being that can mess with the Neworleanese and live to tell the tale is God. Word has it, residents of the 8th Ward still have a picture of God pinned to a wall with some creepy voodoo shit around it. I think they want Him dead and are looking for ways to summon Him. Nietzsche tried to do that. He gave up and tried to say God was dead anyway. Then, as everyone knows, God killed Nietzsche. I've digressed. The point is Hayward is stupid. He's gonna get waterboarded, butt raped and shot by a bunch of thugs. He should have thought about that before he took shellfish away from a bunch of people that don't have much more than shellfish. They got a lot of beads and dope freestyles, but you know what I'm saying.

DISCLAIMER: If this is in anyway a threat to Mr. Hayward, you have misunderstood my point.

MY POINT: Obama said he's gonna kick Tony's ass.

MY SECOND POINT: Tony's a stupid name. It makes it sound like you still pick your nose and fart in shop class a lot. Get a real name like Antwon.

So I'm gonna be taking bets if anyone wants to bet on Hayward (fat chance!). I'll give you 200 to 1. I'm also talking to White House officials and our friends at Foxwoods Casino to get this match on Pay-Per-View.

Your pal,
Jesus Pescado

P.S. The Gulf of Mexico is not a "big ocean", Tony. It's not even an ocean. It's a gulf. Shut your limey mouth. It'll hurt less when Obama shoves his fist at it... bitch.

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Say "Uncle", B%*(#&!

WADDUP NEPHEW

 That's right. You're so damn fresh I'm writing this article in sans serif.  

HOW AUTHORITATIVE IS THIS? 

Bet you had to answer that question. Of course you did. Because without wimpy-ol'-fence-sittin'-on-ass serifs, I am an authority. Helvetica, fella. Same font as the NYC Subway.

  All you baby/toddler lil shrimps aughts ta know right now that the toughest, roughest kid of your generation lives where Bill Murray should be and weighs like 8 pounds or something. He's my nephew, and if you F with him, you F with me. Got it?

  So Lil G (I'm talking to you, I know it'll be a while till you grasp the English language, BTW it sucks and is for old people), welcome to the family. We aren't your traditional blue collar Americana family you probably thought you were stuck with while in utero. No. We're a crime family. La familia. Copa nostra. But don't let me hear you saying that. You'll soon learn how I feel about Italians. They make great food, but lousy pets (if you catch my drift). 

  You better know that I'm gonna live vicariously through your shrimpself. Every Park and Rec basketball game you play in, I'm gonna be choking some other kids dad over what I claim was a lousy jump ball. Every time you get less than a B+ on a school assignment, I'll be accusing your teacher of racism. Every time some little girl at school crushes on you, I'm gonna tell her you have HIV because you are too young to be thinking about girls. You need to think about school and basketball. About racists and punk-MFing dads that need some MFing glasses.

  I haven't seen even a picture of your formerly-fetal-face yet, but I'm sure its kinda reddish and mashed up. Even in a crowd of a million bebes I can recognize you. I'm your uncle. We got more Bonds than Barry. You are a Barry. Picking you out is like a penguin being all like, "See that little brown lump? That's my bebe. Know how I know? You don't? Fella, I'm a penguin. Eating fish and knowing who's my bebe is all I ever do."

Here's a time line of how I see things going.

Age 0-1: I'll probably see you like once and you won't ever remember it but I'll be talking about it until you are 35.

Age 1-3: I'll get in trouble multiple times for trying to trade you cigarettes for Duplos.

Age 3-5: We teach you how to shoot. Um... shooting free-throws. You'll suck at them until you are around 8 or 10 or something.

Age 6-8: There will be a terrorist attack and it will be hard to get to Milwaukee since terrorists don't like beer and they'll shut down everything in the general vicinity. 

Age 9-12: Punching other kids' dads' faces at your sports games.

Age 12-15: Don't tell your dad about the cigarette selling ring we have going on at your middle school.

Age 16-18: Always wear protection, even if she's pretty.

Age 18+: You are on your own; don't call asking me for money.

Remember: don't like stupid toys like Crazy Bones, Pokemon cards, POGs, etc. They suck and always will suck. And video games suck too. They're for career virgins. Play sports, but not wimpy sports unless there are really hot girls on the team (i.e. tennis, volleyball, XC). You won't regret being awesome at sports and you'll be better at beating people up and running from Milwaukee's Finest.

Your loving uncle,
Jesus Pescado

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