Spain To Win World Cup

JOHANNESBURG, S.A. - After a seemingly never ending string of games in the World's Most Uneventful Sport, there is finally only one left for me to pretend like I watched. Spain versus the Netherlands, the Catholics versus the Protestants: it all comes down to this.

And the best part is that this German-owned game-result-predicting octopus has favored Spain to win. He also correctly predicted every game thus far for the German team. I know what you all are thinking (as I always do, given that I'm a psychic human being much more interesting than a psychic octopus). You're thinking this octopus is a lot more interesting than a soccer game could ever be. You know what? You're right. In fact, an octopus that doesn't predict anything is more interesting than a bunch of 28 year old European men faking injuries and not scoring more than a single point in over 90 minutes of incessant passing.

As a side note: soccer is cool if you root for a team like Japan, because Japanese fans (for some reason) don't look stupid wearing big wigs, giant sunglasses and face paint while cheering on their bizarre-ass mascot. Let's face it: Japan makes sense out of this electronic age we live in. There. I said it. Suck on that, America. Nihongo + Watashi = Tomodachi!

I'm just looking forward to seeing those Dutch Orange Order Protestants get their ass beat. Beat really hard. And then I'll be all like, "Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you pot-smoking Dutchman!" And then they'll be all, "Haagendaazennoodelstein!" Which in Dutch means, "I sound like a retarded German!" Too bad you don't own that octopus, Dutchland. Too bad.

Another thing that pisses me off about the Netherlands is that they can switch between two countries and one country whenever it's convenient. I don't know anyone else in the world that pulls that kind of BS. Like, when you want a bunch of monks to make beer you'll call it Belgium. When you want to steal a lot of diamonds and fund wars in central Africa you'll call it Belgium as well. When you want to smoke a bunch of high grade, stare at windmills and bang some hookers you'll call it Holland. But when you want to win a soccer game you put the two together and now it's The Netherlands? Clearly, these people are fucked in the head. Now I am ethnically 25% Belgian, but it's a percentage I'm willing to ignore entirely on the basis that I haven't received a single blood dollar from any blood diamond. Give me that stolen mineral cash and maybe then I'll think about cheering for your sinful Protestant KKK-like hate-crime committing drug-test-should-be-failing excuse of a soccer team.

Also, a country's name should never begin with a direct article. It's bad [country] grammar (I'm looking at you, The Ukraine.)

By the way, don't ever refer to soccer as football. Only poor people and pretentious dickheads that couldn't even make the real football team to play free safety call it football or even worse, futbol. And not American poor people, I mean real poor people (from real poor countries). Some douches are all like, "Oh, but in American football you use your hands. In [soccer] you use your feet." Obviously they are overlooking the simple fact that an American football looks much more like a foot than a soccer ball ever will. Hence the name, idiot.

Peace in the Middle East Coast (D.C. baby!),

Jesus Pescado

**A TIP FOR THE LADIES**

When making your man a sandwich, use that nice deli mustard. MmmMmmMMM! That stuff is good! With the little brown mustard seeds. Ok? Thanks dollface.